Pain.

It’s funny that I am so excited to write this yet I happen to be in so much pain.

But for me that’s not an issue.

The issue here is that I’m writing again, Whoop Whoop.

All of a sudden, I feel a sharp pain in my stomach and realize that I’m awake. 

I check my phone and see it is only 5:30 am.

The pain is almost unbearable but then if that were the case, I’d be screaming at the top of my lungs waking my roommate and as many neighbors as I can.

I then realize it’s probably all happening in my head, mostly at least.

I have this theory; actually I sort of got it from Trevor Noah, that if one is dramatic even their minds see things that way. 

Let’s just say that drama and I are sewn from the same cloth.

As I was still saying, the pain that feels unbearable really is not since I appear to be coping in silence.

But I am happy, because at least I get to feel. 

For a while now, I have been coping by numbing the pain and the memories, lashing out when I can to the chosen few, silent treatment even.

This morning however, I can feel the pain. 

It actually hurts pretty bad but I’m glad. 

I realize that I miss feeling genuinely, not the usual ‘Keep smiling Pearl’ chant that I murmur when I am around most people, and for me that’s a definite win.

So as I assess the severity of my condition, I realize that I thank God for the pain this morning.